K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
