just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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