glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
