you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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