i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
