some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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