Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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