Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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