do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
