I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize