i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
