Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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