I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
