i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
