After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
