I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Someone signed my nipple.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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