If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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