Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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