I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
