I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
