I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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