Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Your dad touched me again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
