Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
