Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He passed out mid-signature
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
