I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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