i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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