Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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