apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
