sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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