my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
