piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
