you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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