I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
