The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
