dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
