he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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