Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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