I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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