can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
