My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
