just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
