Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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