Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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