i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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