All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
