you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
