I want to walk on stilts...naked
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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