life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
