New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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