The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
