a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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