i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
