Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
