my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
