no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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