I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
