I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
