Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
