worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
