Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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