we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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