There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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