I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
