Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
